The Doorway to Love
How to Meet the Man of Your Dreams
How is a woman supposed to meet the man of her dreams?
The conventional, traditional answer is this: She waits for him to find her, and then waits for him to win her. Let's call this notion of courtship, The Patience Model. The Patience Model is usually seen as the only alternative to bold vamping-- which is the kind of behavior that leads to feeling the sting of other women's scorn and venom. Bold vamping, it's also thought, will get you a man in the short term, but not in the long term.
This program doesn't rely on either The Patience Model or The Vamp Model. Instead, you'll discover a third way, one which allows you to choose the man you want, yet not be seen as threatening by other women. You're going to learn to bond with a man's emotions from across a room, without saying a word, and without him or the women around you noticing what you are doing.
Then, once you engage his instincts and enter conversation with him, you will use what you learn from this program to break through the walls he keeps up in most relationships-- so from the very beginning, you are going to reach places inside him that the other women he's met have never been given permission to enter. And again, you can begin reaching these places inside him from the very first conversation... even the first few moments of that conversation, if you'd like. You will also have the option of leading him to intense sexual arousal, without seeming to do anything out of the ordinary.
Before you read further, please ask yourself a question. Have you ever felt yourself wondering, Why doesn't my man just understand what I want? Why doesn't he just know what I feel?
If you're like most women, you've found that other women usually are better at reading your feelings than men are.
So men don't always-- or even usually-- know what you're feeling.
And yet, consider what the self-help industry, and well-meaning friends, tell women to do, in order to attract men: Feel good about yourself.
But if men don't reliably read your feelings, then they won't reliably know when you're feeling good about yourself.
Bluntly, feeling good about yourself usually doesn't affect how men feel about you.
For that matter, by and large, men don't care about how you feel-- they care about how you make them feel. As we explain more fully in the Rousing the Lion book, the brains of men and women are very different, and experience the world in different ways; the mere sight of a physically attractive woman floods a man with intense pleasure. (Imagine an attractive man whispering romantically into your ear, while massaging your shoulders; that is what a man feels, just by seeing a beautiful woman.)
The effect of a beautiful woman on a man's senses can be so powerful as to be paralyzing, which is one reason why men can be so disappointing in conversation, when a woman first talks with them. Because merely seeing a beautiful woman gives a man pleasure, he tends to feel that a beautiful woman is, just by being there, already doing him a service. And because a man is so powerfully affected by a woman's visual beauty, his impulse is to adore and serve-- and perhaps turn annoyingly wimpy and "nice" in the face of-- a beautiful woman, and conversely, to ignore less beautiful women.
Note that this beauty is entirely external-- it has nothing to do with a woman's internal beauty, or her other good qualities. (Does this mean one has to look like a supermodel, every day, in order to have and keep a great man? Absolutely not. Keep reading.)
So just by being physically beautiful, a woman makes a man feel good, and he's usually inclined to go quite a bit out of his way, just to have a chance to experience more of-- and perhaps feel and taste-- that physical beauty.
But, some might protest, when I feel good, good things happen. I've met some great men, when I'm feeling good about myself! Actually, when you're feeling good, you're more likely to give yourself permission to notice that a man is attracted to you. More to the point, feeling good about yourself may cause you to behave differently, which can cause men to find you more interesting and more attractive.
Simply put, there are two ways to attract a man:
be, by the standards of that man, physically attractive
behave-- that is, say and do things-- in a way that that man finds fascinating, exciting, and compelling
As it happens, men, and particularly driven, successful men, are usually intensely motivated toward sexual variety-- that is, having new women, or having more than one woman. Therefore, the secret to keeping a man passionate for you over time is not being physically beautiful; it is being able to reach a man's emotions and hungers on levels that other women do not even know about, and therefore satisfying his soul in ways other women cannot match.
Since there is no shortage of supplies and resources available elsewhere for helping you polish your appearance, Rousing the Lion will concentrate solely on how to say and do things that make a man want you, respect you, admire you, and crave you... for the long-term.
Rousing the Lion is designed to help you:
feel good about deciding what kind of man meets your personal standards
attract that man
steadily increase his erotic attraction to you even after you and he are lovers
use his intensifying passion for you to fuel his career success... and his newfound career success, to fuel even greater passion for you
As we'll explain much more fully later, the key to opening the world of passion hidden inside him consists of something quite counter-intuitive:
Knowing and discussing with him the details of his struggle for worldly success, and making the details of his success an integral part of your erotic life together.
Note that his worldly success is a very delicate matter, and he will probably not want to discuss such things with you; getting him to truly open up and share this part of himself requires a very particular approach, which you will learn from the Rousing the Lion program.
“But I Don't Want to Have to Think About This--
I Want Love to Just Happen!”
One problem with an approach to dating based on waiting and “letting things happen”-- based, that is, on not planning and not analyzing-- is that you wind up having to spend time thinking-- and thinking and thinking and thinking-- anyway. You just do it afterward. You find yourself in the middle of something, you let things happen... and then, later, you wind up thinking and thinking and thinking as you try to interpret what happened. And as you run through this mental autopsy of your experience, either you're regretful and disappointed, or worse, you're unable to fully relax and completely enjoy a good thing because you're still thinking and thinking and thinking about it.
On the other hand, if you decide to set clear standards for yourself, and choose to decide for yourself who you want in your life; if you give yourself permission to choose and decide, and then choose to feel proud of acting on your decisions; then, afterward, you can fully relax into and enjoy the fruits of what your new awareness of men is bringing you.
You'll find yourself noticing other things, too. Particularly, in giving yourself permission to choose, and giving yourself permission to feel good both about immediate rewards and about the subtler rewards of learning how to get even better results next time, you are more fully transforming on the inside, on the levels others can't see. In choosing what you want, and choosing to have it, and choosing to be responsible for your experience, the deepest parts of you are transforming from child to woman. And the more that you give yourself credit for having made choices, the more and faster your confidence will increase.
Of Love, Fate, and the Unconscious
The fact is, even when a woman convinces herself that she's not thinking about love, or not trying to be attractive, she is, consciously or unconsciously, doing countless little things to catch men's attention, or to drive men away, or, quite often, both.
And because most women don't give themselves permission to really think about the specifics of how they relate to men, they wind up attracting men by default... men who dissatisfy them. Or, for that matter, they wind up losing the men they want the same way they met them... unconsciously, and by default.
Sometimes, doing things unconsciously doesn't mean that you're doing them in an inspired way, and according to what Fate wants... sometimes, it just means that you're doing them, well, unconsciously. That is, without awareness, without sensitivity, without curiosity; that, in fact, you're doing stuff, without a clue as to what you're doing... even, and especially, if you find yourself doing these things time and time again.
Which leads to another point about the Patience Model.
You'll notice that the Patience Model tends to leave you with a very limited range of choices: basically, only those offered directly to you. That is, with the Patience Model, your only real shot is with men who, seeing you wait around and therefore pumped up with a temporary shot of I-guess-she-doesn't-have-any-other-options courage, decide to approach you. Typically, these men will be of approximately your level of attractiveness-- or often, much lower.
Basically, with the Patience Model, you are lined up with all the other women in the room, competing with other women on the basis of who looks prettiest and most available. And you're competing for men who you might not really want to be chosen by.
Of course, if a woman is prepared to settle for whatever men luck brings her way, then the Patience Model is fine; but the more that a woman wants a truly high-quality man, one who can satisfy her for the long-term, the more that she'll need to bring awareness and intent and conscious choice to bear.
The more choice you want, the more you need to give yourself permission to notice the world around you, and the more you must be willing to give yourself permission to take subtle but effective action.
The Truth About Men and Women
The vital truth, when it comes to connecting with men, is that men and women really are different; the things that would attract and impress you usually hold little meaning for men. And, conversely, men can be excited and compelled and rendered passionate by things that, to most women, seem rather silly. Yet, by understanding and utilizing a man's hidden triggers, a woman can inspire a man to behave in ways that make her feel wonderful, spiritually, sexually, and emotionally... and, what's more, to love doing it, so that he hungers to please her over and over again.
At this point, you might think, Well, men and women may behave differently... but that's just social conditioning. In a state of nature-- if there weren't society and magazines and movies and social traditions-- men and women would be alike, and a man would finally understand what I'm feeling!
The underlying fact is this: Just as men's and women's bodies are different, men's and women's brains are different. Measurably, physically different. Some parts of the brain are proportionately bigger in women's brains than in men's; other parts are proportionately bigger in men's brains than women's. Men's and women's brains are dosed with different neurochemicals, in different proportions, early in life; men's and women's brains even form and recall memories differently, each using different neurochemicals for this process.
Bluntly, men and women behave differently, and prioritize things differently, because they think differently; they think differently, because they perceive the world differently; and because they perceive the world differently, they live in different worlds.
Is this a tragedy? It can be, when you don't let yourself accept that a man naturally lives and breathes in a different atmosphere than you do. But if you do let yourself accept this, and then ask, How can I make this fun?, then you and he can be transported together into a third, hidden realm-- a realm hidden to the women he's known before--, and now an entirely new universe of emotional and erotic possibility can open up to you...
Of Particle and Wave
It's helpful to think of men experiencing the world through particles, and women experiencing the world through waves.
What does that mean?
It means that for men, experiences are discrete, divided, separate nodules of hard, visible, measurable matter-- stuff. The world is made of stuff; stuff is what's real. More to the point, that which you can see with your eye, weigh with your hand, strike against something else, and measure with a ruler are real—the invisible connections, relationships, and ramifications between events aren't so real and important, and are scarcely worth talking about... except in those cases when talking about something can somehow get you better stuff. As William Carlos Williams wrote, No ideas, but in things.
For you, as a woman, life is at least as much about those invisible connections-- the flow of emotion-- between solid objects, as it is about the objects themselves. For you, feelings and interpretations of events give events their meaning and importance. Relative to men, you experience the world in terms not of particles, but waves-- waves of emotion, connection, context, explanation.
It as though stones rest in a pool of water, and men and women are in the pool with them; but men are wearing goggles through which they see only the stones, and women are wearing goggles through which they can see only the water.
This may seem to be an extreme, exaggerated metaphor. But if you just allow yourself to accept it, and apply the recipes that follow from it, you will soon find yourself creating extremely deep, intense relationships with men... because there are wellsprings of fire and intensity waiting within them that a woman can tap easily, when she discovers how to relate to a man's hidden internal experience-- and when she learns to see and weigh those stones that a man cares about, in a way that respects the way he cares about them.
You might find it easier to begin communicating in terms of particles, by first imagining how brightly your man will seem to glow, and how warmly and fully you will feel him connected to you, once you have succeeded in doing this. Remember that communicating to him in particles-- in terms of objects, specifics, details, and visible events, rather than in terms of feelings, hints, stories, and emotions-- is what allows him to feel waves, and then share them with you.
Sex, of course, is the ultimate particulate experience (and “hot sex, right now” is a man's default motivation); but to truly make sex magical, in a way that inscribes you into his heart and mind, be sure to use the emotional recipes you'll find later in the Rousing the Lion program.
Stuff and Story
Another way of looking at this is that men focus on objects, whereas women are attuned to those objects' stories-- how they came to be, how they relate to other objects, what they mean. Women care about narrative, and continually search for new narratives, new stories, new explanations-- for men, there is only one story that counts, and every object he encounters and every experience he has is a part of this one story.
What is this one story, that so dominates a man's existence?
His Single Story:
The Battlefield of Life
For a man, as we've written, hard, solid, measurable objects and actions are what count. Why do they count? They count-- they are important-- because they help him make a mark on the world... that is, they help him accumulate power, prestige, security, freedom, and admiration. And with these things, he gets sex with a beautiful woman, or sex with a new and different beautiful woman, or the ability to impress, dominate, and fend off other men. It is not the story of these conquests that is important to him-- it is the raw, sensual pleasure of a conquest. It is not what the act “means”-- it is the act itself. Every element within a man's life, then, is related to one single overarching story: the quest for achievement and distinction, as a means to sexual pleasure, self-esteem, and social power.
Note that his quest can take any number of forms, including those that seem diametrically opposed to power and competition. A man doesn't have to compete to be the richest real estate developer in the city; he can just as well compete to be the most relaxed, laid-back, spiritual hippie in the neighborhood, or the best painter of miniature figurines in the hobbyist club, or the most non-competitive and mellow guy in the ashram, or the most sensitive and open and gentle woman-respecting man in the bar. The will to power always exists, and is simply modified and filtered by what a man believes his realistic capabilities and opportunities to be.
He is always on a battlefield, always counting up wins and losses, as his fortunes rise and fall. And the elements of his life count as wins and losses, or lead to wins and losses; and that is the simple, never-ending, and wildly charged story that drives him, and from which he never truly escapes.
On the Simplicity of His Story
A woman may wonder how living a life with such a simple story can not be... boring.
In that case, it may help to remember that his story, which is so simple, so lacking in color and variation, is nonetheless intensely felt: Rather than his inner life being colored with a rich palette of amber and mauve and orange and teal, with permutations and combinations of color upon color, his life is fundamentally one of black and white: pain and pleasure, hot and cold, hunger and satiety, impulse and sleep. The fact that there are only two poles, two extremes, heightens the intensity of the experience.
More bluntly-- imagine that your experiences are very rarely confusing or ambiguous, that they do not require introspection, retrospection, and discussion with others, in order to be fully understood and appreciated. Instead, imagine that every experience is immediately hot or cold, pleasurable or painful, because you can see that it raises your status or lowers it-- that it brings you closer to sex and money and safety and freedom and control over other men, or not.
That simplicity, that clarity, is what shapes male experience.
How Understanding His Story
Can Open His Heart
Paradoxically, the simplicity of male experience makes it easy for a woman to connect intensely with a man... when she understands how to engage his never-ending, internal saga.
To engage his internal saga, think of every experience as leading to, and meaningful only in the sense that it leads to, a trophy or a scar-- that is, some physical, material proof of impact on or interaction with the world. His life is a quest for the next milestone-- to engage his passion, get him talking about the details of what he needs to do to get to his next milestone.
He wants ever greater physical pleasure; freedom to pursue ever greater pleasure; and concrete achievements that give him prestige and financial success, because these things in turn give him power over and safety from other men. Help him figure out exactly how to get these things—exactly, in a step-by-step way--, and he will show you and share with you the passion he is afraid to share with other women.
Note that he'll likely be evasive on this topic, at first. This is largely because men tend to doubt that women will take seriously the rigors and perils of his quest, let alone the exertion required. They suspect that women will want to talk about the feelings involved... which, to a man, misses the point, and ultimately disrespects the difficulty and challenge of what he needs to do.
To truly distinguish herself, and to get a man to truly open up, a woman should get a man talking about his next milestone, and then discuss with him-- carefully, dispassionately, and precisely, rather than with cheerleading and indiscriminate approval-- the exact tactics, strategy, and details of performance he will need to solve the problem of achieving that one specific concrete goal.
Note that your tone is very important; be as serious as a surgeon-- remember that for him, his wins and losses are serious, serious business. Cheerleading him-- putting on a big smile and saying, “You can do it!”-- will probably discourage him from discussing the details of his challenge in a meaningful way with you. Present yourself not as his cheerleader, but as his coach.
Explore with him the technical details and workplace battles he needs to fight and win in order to achieve his goal, and you will begin to seem like a much more important part of his one eternal story.
Since Rousing the Lion is about creating and renewing relationships, it's important to take a moment to deal with the concept of emotional addiction. Yes, becoming emotionally addicted to a relationship that isn't good for you is a bad thing-- and the RtL program includes techniques for letting go of your attachment to someone.
That said, emotional addiction in its most insidious form is not addiction to another person, but addiction to the excitement and drama of your own negative responses.
Have you ever found yourself feeling hurt, sad, uncomfortable, or some other negative feeling ... and then feeling bad about feeling bad, or feeling worse by thinking about how bad you feel?
This is emotional addiction.
Lurking underneath it is the idea that if you just feel bad enough, or angry enough, or disappointed enough, you will eventually cross a threshold, feel some freeing emotional release, and then look at your experiences differently.
But that is like discovering that you are driving the wrong way, and feeling that the best way to stop going the wrong way is to keep driving until you run out of gas.
Instead of dwelling on what makes you upset, ask yourself what you want. If that doesn't seem exciting enough to get you out of your bad mood, add to what you want. What would make what you want more exciting and fulfilling? Are you still upset? Then add even more to your idea of what you want.
Disappointed by the guy you just broke up with? Then ask yourself what you want in a man. Not exciting enough? Then imagine being with him in Paris. Not exciting enough? Then imagine that he's not just smart and funny, but that he's also a salsa instructor. And so forth.
Then start planning how to achieve exactly that result.
In other words, don't fret about the past; instead, focus on what you want, and keep raising your standards.
Remember, hope, disappointment, fear, and anger are waiting-room experiences; real fulfillment comes from real, primary experiences. The more time spent in the waiting-room of fantasy, and blame, and complaint, the fewer opportunities you have to enjoy the life you truly want.
The Secret of Storybook Romance
The secret of storybook romance is this: He is not the author; you are.
As we've suggested above, his notion of emotional story is much simpler than yours. In a relationship, he'll mainly be asking himself how good his body feels, and what he can do to make his body feel better. If his body doesn't feel good enough, he'll be dissatisfied; if his body feels dissatisfied enough, for long enough, he'll probably start thinking often about leaving the relationship, or he'll carve out a personal protectorate of habit, such that he seems rather vacant and dull, with you more or less shut out of his emotional life.
You must be the one to improve the relationship.
But talking about The Relationship rarely works-- in fact, it's almost guaranteed to make him retreat further.
Instead, you must consciously set about making your relationship into an adventure. You must find ways to link physical pleasure to surprise, adventure, challenges, and tests. You must link physical pleasure to worldly success. You must make scheming and plotting with him his rise in the world an erotic highlight.
As you go deeper inside the Rousing the Lion program, you'll discover specific emotional recipes and techniques that will make doing these things easy.
And as you find yourself using these techniques enthusiastically and consistently, you will discover that he feels increasingly charged up with energy and vitality and excitement and ambition; he will see you as the source of all this pleasure; and you will enjoy the comfort of having a man truly worthy of you.
If You Find These Ideas Challenging or Stressful...
That's a Good Sign!
The degree to which you find them challenging is an indicator of how much, even on an unconscious level, you have shied away from these principles.
The more you have shied away from them in the past... the more you have been secretly penalized by not applying them.
The more challenging you find the rituals and principles taught in this program, the more you will benefit, once you start to use them!